To The Dominator

As long as you see life as a battle for control then that’s what it will be. How you perceive reality is what you create in your life. In your struggle for power you miss out on the true power you could have; to utterly transform your reality, your experience and your relationships through changing your perception. What if you could begin by supposing that not everyone spends their lives locked in a power battle just because you do? When your behaviour is influenced by the basic assumption that everyone is domineering you, then you become the dominator to protect yourself, but this creates hostility, as the person senses and resists your attempts to control them. This then becomes the power battle you anticipated, but it was your anticipation that created it. You may have had an early life experience of a dominator. You may have been really hurt, which makes it hard to let go of that mistrust; your defences are always up. Not everyone is like that and in trying to protect yourself unnecessarily, in being constantly on high alert, you damage yourself and those around you, passing on the pain down the generations. Conflict is all around you and you cannot see why. The longer this goes on, the more those self-created experiences compound your negative beliefs. If only you could step outside yourself for a moment and see through another’s eyes. The heartbreaking paradox is that you cannot trust enough, cannot let go enough, to hear anyone tell you this. You only see these words as another attempt to control you, rather than to free you. Only you can free yourself, and only when you are ready will you be able to understand these words for their true significance. The message is here, it has been here all along, waiting for you. At first it takes courage, more courage than it takes to keep on fighting. But you do have a choice, there is always a choice. It doesn’t happen overnight. It takes practice to learn a new way of living, but once you begin, you life starts to change and that will carry you. See the power you truly have, the power from within. It’s your choice.

© Janey Colbourne 2016

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Writer’s Block: what is it really?

Thinking about writer’s block. Actually an interesting question as I’ve just realised it’s rarely that there aren’t any words or ideas but that I am holding back a vast dammed up ocean. Ideas, emotions, words that are too much to handle at that moment. Just giving my head a break. I can feel it sitting there behind my everyday thoughts. Like a bear in the cracks. The self discipline required to extrude three dimensional concepts or a tangled seething mass of tumbling thoughts and feelings into a nice neat spaghetti line of words, now that is where the writer’s block really exists. It is a block, an actual block, a dam, holding back the billion words, the billion worlds flying round inside me. There is no shortage, just a holding back. The slight panic that once the words start flowing I won’t be able to stop. Nothing else will get done. They consume my every waking moment. The phone rings unanswered. I am late for my appointments. Friends and family cry, “Have you moved to Timbuktu?”. Walking down the street, or taking a shower, the words arise perfectly formed, but once they are released into consciousness they can, so ironically, be lost forever in my crumbling memory dump if I fail to immediately attend to making them concrete. In the time-space from shower to pen and paper they have flown away. Holding them back allows them to brew, they sit in the cauldron of becoming. They swirl in the eddies, in the shallows of the semi-conscious. Sometimes I peek a fin breaking the surface, but I look away. Stay there, I’m not quite ready to contain you in the harbour.

© Janey Colbourne 2016

Woman

Wild woman

Here’s the full poem:

Woman

Yeah, we can be loud
and aggressive too
Doesn’t make me any less of a woman

Yeah we can be wild
and hairy too
Doesn’t make me any less of a woman

Yeah we can be brave
and strong too
Doesn’t make me any less of a woman

Whole and real
Woman true
All the way through
I may be independent and free
When I want to be

But still I have a soft place
A soft heart
A warm love
However I be
I am always still me

© Janey Colbourne 2015

The Trap

Too much anger
Too much rage
You took my life away

Too much control
Contempt and lies
You took my mind away

Too much hurt
Too much hate
You took my love away

Too much mocking
Disrespect
You took my soul away

Too much too much
Of everything
Intense consuming
Needing me
Freedom gone
I’m property
No more myself
Draining me

Clever games
Dragging down
Putting down
Feeling down
Down
Down

No
Escape

© Janey Colbourne 2015